Starting Again

You know those posts you write, the ones which are catharsis in nature, but you’re not really sure you should post them, this is one of those posts.

Part One

I guess from this post it was pretty obvious that things aren’t too good.

Seems I’m not actually doing all that well on reduced meds and need to bump them back up. After so many years, countless pills and 5 different therapists I really thought I had got through the worst.

But I can feel the grey nothing creeping back, I’m slipping back.

This time it feels worse, I’ve had a teasing glimpse of what life should be, and I want that, but I don’t know how to get it.

After so long, I don’t think I can go through all this again, I’ve already lost so much there really isn’t much more to give. I don’t know I put anyone else through this again.

As I’m sat here in the middle of the day, the tears have started falling {not really sure why} and it hits me that there isn’t actually one person I can call.

I’m ridiculously alone.

Everyone has gone, and I’m left trying to pick up pieces of me that I’m not sure I want anymore.

I look over at my kids and I know they should be reason enough to stick around and do whatever I can to beat this, but days like this, when I wonder what the hell I have become and think about all the things, family and friends I have lost I wonder if I’m strong enough to keep going.

I hope so.

a little wave

Part Two

Well, I went and had a good cry.

Did some house work.

And although not feeling better, I’m not feeling so……… empty and crap, which whilst not much of an improvement, is at least better than………blah.

And this is the frustrating thing about depression; it’s not a constant state {at least not for me}, so sometimes people see me and thing think “Ahh she’s not crying she must be better!”.

Nope, I wish it were true.

Most times when I’m not crying, its because I just don’t feel, or if I do the emotions / feelings are really not worth sharing.

I’m sorry if these kind of posts make for uncomfortable reading, but sometimes I just need to get what’s in my head out “there”.

11 comments :

  1. Firstly *throws a massive hug at you* And secondly, I can understand where you're coming from. As if depression wasn't a bastard enough, the loneliness is shattering.
    Thinking of you x

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  2. thinking of you, I know exactly how you feel. I have suffered on and off with depression since I was 12. To be honest, I don't think it ever really goes it's just something that I have to learn to live with. I can feel so lonely even when I'm surrounded by friends and family. I know one really understands how I feel, only the people who are going through it themselves. I often cry for no reason and every day is a struggle, but often I don't show it so everyone things I am fine, but inside it hurts so much. I have tried to explain to my husband how I feel but he just doesn't get it. He always says things like 'you must have a reason for crying' and he just doesn't understand when I tell him I don't.

    But just keep smiling, Be strong for your children and one day there will be a day when we really have learnt to live with this horrible curse.

    Natasha xxx

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  3. You know, even though you need to bump your meds up again, at least you tried a lower dose. Alright, so it hasn't worked out as you hoped this time, but next time, you could be far more successful! :)
    I think it's good that you have a blog where you can pour things out when you are troubled.
    Is there a local support group that you could go to, where you can meet other people with depression and get some understanding from people who have been there?
    Also, is there anyone that could come along and wrangle your boys once or twice a week, to give you some time out to chill? From your post the other day, they can be a real handful! It's obvious that you love them but you do deserve a break once in a while.
    Sorry, this comment is probably coming out all wrong and is utterly unhelpful. Just wanted to comment and let you know I'm sending my support from my end of the internet *hugs*

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  4. Have really struggled to leave a comment, technology is failing me at the moment! I hope you get this, as I just wanted to send you some love and say I was really sad to hear you feel rubbish. I'm always here to listen if you want a chat . From Jo

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  5. Having been there myself, I really do feel your pain. At least you do recognize that you are 'sinking', and hopefully you can get your medication sorted out soon. Your children are probably being more challenging because you are not feeling the best, and then in turn their behaviour makes you feel worse, so it is the proverbial vicious cycle. Would a few hours of childcare a week be possible? It would benefit both you and your kids, as it would give you time out as well as giving them the opportunity to have lots of fun, make friends, etc. I really, really hope things improve for you soon. I will be thinking of you.

    Kathy

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  6. It's nice to think we could do without the meds, but sometimes we can't and that's what they're there for. To help us. Thankfully I don't go down to the really dark place anymore (because of my meds) but I have been there and know how logical it seems to think your kids might be better off without you. Please, please try to remember, even in the bleakest moments, that they WON'T be better off. They need you and love you. When you feel alone, come here and talk to us. We're here and we will always respond. Even if we can only hold your hand in the cyber world, it is done from the heart. xx

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  7. I think it's wonderful that you feel comfortable being so open and authentic about your depression on your blog. I agree with others who have encouraged you to keep working on getting your meds' issues sorted out. I've been married to a wonderful man for 43+ years who has suffered from depression (in varying degrees) all that time. Please don't let it get to the "I give up" stage before you seek additional help.

    It really sounds like your little ones realize you are in a weakened-state and are truly taking advantage of that. I hope things get much better very soon.

    Carol

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  8. I have (had?) PTSD and dysthymia and FINALLY got on meds for it five years after the trigger, even though I was absolutely SURE that NOTHING could make things better. But I DID feel so much better, that I decided to go off the meds after a year. LOL - back down the rabbit hole I went. It took me four more years, during which time I tried going off again twice more (with the same rabbity results) before that gawd-awful "tape" running constantly in my head was stopped of its non-stop-edness, and I was finally able to wean off the meds and today, while my grown children still don't think I'm normal (haha) I'm happy and free of 99.9% of those demons, without meds. There IS hope... Oh, and for the five years before I finally got help and the meds, I had no one to talk to, because either the people I loved and loved me didn't *want* me to feel bad so they told me I *shouldn't* feel bad OR they thought they would be helpful by interrupting me to go on about THEIR problems, OR they didn't want to hear about my misery because they didn't want to think it could happen to them, too. All I ever really wanted was for someone to LISTEN. You don't know me, but TRULY, if you EVER want to talk to someone who will NOT either just try to cheer you up OR prattle on about how much worse MY problems were, please contact me @ cummingsnadine@aol.com. Hugs! :-)

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  9. I read your posts although I rarely comment. I just wanted to send you a great big hug from across the way. I've seen many sides of this illness and I know how it feels to be on the other end, watching a loved one suffer from the inside out. But just know that even when you think you are alone, you are never alone. All of us have our own share of battles, but giving up or giving in to them is never the solution. It only makes coming out that much more difficult. I just wanted to send you an encouraging word and let you know I'm thinking of you right now. :-)

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  10. I'm so sorry you've been feeling this. Not sure how I missed it in past post? I guess that happens when I was hit and miss from what happened to me a year and a half ago. I commend you for putting yourself out here and talk about it. So many suffer in silence. I might be one of them. I don't feel depressed, I just feel extreme anger... which I know is a manifestion of depression. I'm sure I have PTS as well, all though never officially diagnosed. Sigh. Thinking of you! Hang in there!

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  11. Oh sweetie, where to begin. The practical - Have you heard of 'free for twos? I know your boys are 3 (I think) and are starting nursery in sept going from your post about Ethan recently but this is 15 hours free childcare for either mothers/children who need it due to either the mother health or child's development. I think your oys would qualify. Speak to your local health visitor
    or local children's centre, they can give
    you he forms. This might just give you a bit of space to be kind to yourself. I fought taking anti depressant for years, I hate the thought of being dependant on then but I've finally accepted I need them, my brain just isn't set up to cope well without them. I try to think of it as a chemical imbalance rather than a person failure that I suffer depression. I don't always believe that. I'm sorry you feel so alone. I know that feeling well. I have two people in my life who support me emotionally, my OH and one friend. That's it! I'd like to say I'm ok with that but it would be nice to have more. I had CBT about 7 years ago, it helped more than all the other 'tell me your woes' therapy as for me, telling someone about things didn't change the way they made me feel. If that makes sense. I have a book the CBT therapist recommended, I'll send it you if you want? Email me your address @ popiz01@hotmail.co.uk if you want it. I know people at the other end of a tweet don't always help but you aren't alone. You are well liked and funny, I'm here if you need me Paula (mrsf3) xxxx

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Thank's for taking the time to read and comment, I appreciate each one! I'll try to reply to all comments via email unless you are a no~reply, then I'll pop a reply under your comment!

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