In a moment of madness, most likely caused by waking up before 5am, I had the ridiculous idea that I would take the kids to the beach for a picnic.
Whilst I was there apologising to strangers, getting sand out my bra and retrieving fly away flip flops I thought I’d share a few things I’d learnt on how to make the experience more enjoyable for everyone.
The most important tip I can give is DON’T DO IT. Never ever mention the beach, ever. Pretend it doesn’t exist or that children are banned, whatever you have to do to avoid going, DO IT.
Take a Friend
If your kids have outwitted you and convinced you that going to the beach is a good idea, don’t take them alone, a random stranger coming along is preferable to taking kids to the beach on your own.
Avoid Beach Type Beaches
Avoid beaches with sand and or stones, the pesky buggers will only get in your flip flops, sandwiches, drinks, camera and other random places.
Avoid Everyone Else
Avoid anyone who looks as though they are taking their sun worshiping seriously, cries of
“He has back boobies”
“Can we poke her, she’s sleeping AAARRRRGGGHHHH”
tend to piss people off.
Do not close your eyes for longer than a second, your kids can run faster than you think, especially in the direction you told them not to go.
Do not expect your children to sit on the blanket and actually partake in a picnic like civilised human beings.
They are not civilised and it’s debatable whether they are human beings.
You will look ridiculously doofus like trying to put sun cream on your own back.
Do not ask your children to help, they will be more interested in chasing down a poor seagull.
Leave the sand at the beach!
Don’t be tempted to drag half the beach home with you, your washing machine won’t appreciate it and neither will you when you find it in those “random places” two weeks later!
So there you have it, my tried and tested tips on a “successful” trip to the beach, you are welcome!