Changes are inevitable, whatever you may wish or want to happen, things have to change.
I’ve been preparing myself for a big change in our lives starting this September, the boys are starting school.
I’ll be handing them over to teachers, entrusting these strangers to nurture the amazing little minds I’ve spent the last 4 years influencing almost 24/7.
I’ve spent time ensuring the boys understand that school is not the place to be naked, the loo is the only acceptable place to pee or poop, Dinosaur Day is Saturday and Zombie Monster Day is Sunday and that farting whilst always funny doesn’t have to result in giggles and bellows of ‘PARDON ME’.
There are other more boring things I’ve been trying to teach them, hoping to limit the number of phone calls I’m bound to get from the school, all with the intent to get them used to the monumental change that is attending school for the first time.
Their carefree, relaxed and randomly filled days will become full of structures and routines; which can only be shaken up come Friday afternoons and embraced for the weekends.
It’s going to be a good change for them.
It’s me who isn’t ready.
Once again I’m hit with the realisation that deciding to have a baby involves a lot more than cute babies, cuddles, nappies and crawling.
For some insane reason I never actually gave much if any thought to what happens once the baby is no longer a baby.
I’m not sure what I thought would happen, but I thought I had more time.
More time with my babies, more time for cuddles and lazy mornings, more time to play daft silly games with no point and reading the same story over and over again, more time for cupcake picnics, afternoon naps, splashing in puddles and making snow angles in flour.
I realise there will still be time after school, weekends and during school holidays in which we will still get to do all these things, but for the first time we will be on someone else's schedule.
I wish I had realised earlier that this time would soon be upon us and made more of these years, I’ve lost a lot of time trapped in depression. If I’d realised sooner just how quickly these innocent carefree years would pass maybe I would have been able to escape the hold depression had on me, maybe not.
I just know I’m not ready to separate myself from the two shining lights who have gotten me through my darkest of days.