Wanting To Let Go ~ Moving On From PND & PTSD

You hear a lot about living with depression but not so much about getting though the other side, which is where I think I might be.

I was ready to talk to my GP today about maybe reducing my meds, which is a big deal for me, I’ve been on them for over 3 years, and I’m stuck between no longer wanting to be dependant on them and not knowing if I can survive without them.

Not a good place to be.

I never thought getting over something would be so difficult.

I should be embracing the fact that after 3 years of medication, therapy and countless ‘professionals’ helping me, that I'm finally starting to see some progress being made with my post-natal depression and PTSD.

But to be honest, its scaring the ever loving shite out of me.

For over 3 years, I've felt nothing.

I've existed in this place where I could look out, see what I was missing and then….. nothing.

I've planned my death.

Thought of my hubster moving on and finding someone else to love.

Imagined my children growing up calling someone else mummy.

Discussed with my therapists how I swing from violent rage to deep seated despair.

I've accepted the loss of so called family and friends who couldn't or wouldn't understand.

I've popped more pills than I ever thought possible.

As a person I've been reduced to a scared, jibbering wreck who can’t get over events of 3 years ago.

I've become trapped within the house I once loved, which is now a prison of security I can’t escape.

I'm trapped between the security my depression offers, and the fear of not knowing of who I am any more.

I think I might be ready to start letting go, but, fudge me, it scares the hell out of me.

My biggest fear is that I'm not ready for this, that any progress I've been made will be swept away by the mother of all panic attacks and I'm dragged back to where I'm not sure I could ever come back from again.

How do you know when {its time}?

How do you know when things have progressed enough that you wont be pulled backwards at the first sign of trouble, that you’re strong enough to fight the battles you just know will be ahead of you.

I never thought I would be afraid of the next steps I need to make in order to gain control of my life again, or that a part of me would want to cling on to the security offered by the labels which have defined me for too long.

I know I need to do this, but its scary as hell, fingers crossed I’ll get {there} without encountering too many bumps in the road.

I need to remember this.

TODAY IS A

If someone had told me 3 years ago that there would come a day when I didn't want the depression and all that jazz to go away, I’d have laughed in their face, because first of all I couldn't imagine an end to this whole thing and secondly, who the hell wants to live with depression.

I know I've turned a corner, but I never could have imagined just how scared I am of losing my little buddy called depression.

Its been one of the few constants in my life for over 3 years, from the employer who turned its back, the family that couldn't deal and the friends who never understood, depression has been my constant companion.

To say I'm feeling lost is such an understatement, I'm no longer the person I was before all this hit, but the labels I've been living with aren't entirely me either.

I have no idea who I am any more.

I'm no longer as depressed as I was, I'm not exactly the carefree laugh a minute laid back gal I was, but I can now laugh at something until I can’t breathe, tears are streaming down my face and I'm clapping like a demented seal.

I still want to withdraw from everything and everyone, sometimes it seems being alone is a safer option, don’t ask me why, I don’t know, it just is.

 I'm scared of a future I didn't think I would have, I realise I'm lucky, many people don't get a second chance, but I just wish I knew what to do with it.


Comments

  1. Wow, it's completely understandable that you'd feel scared by that stuff. It's something that you're used to, and change is always scary.
    I suppose with not knowing who you are anymore, you have a chance to completely re-evaluate yourself and what you want from life, how you feel about different things, etc. It's a chance to really get to know yourself again. To start all over.
    I think that all of us go through things in our lives that change who we are, and it's hard to remember ourselves at a 'better' point, as a different person, especially when looking at a future full of questions and uncertainty.
    Really though, please cut yourself some slack :) You've got to the point where you feel ready to reduce your meds and can personally see what progress you've made, and that's great! Try to consider where you are now as another step in your progress, that will eventually lead you to much more secure and happy times. You will get there, and I'm sure the people who have supported you so far will continue to do so!

    This is a rambly and opinionated comment and based on no medical or therapy knowledge whatsoever, so I hope it doesn't sound offensive or like a load of rubbish (if it does, I'm sorry). I just wanted to comment and try and say something supportive!

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  2. You are one brave Momma! You have a great support system in your hubby and together you will get through it.. your kids and your hubby need you and you need to be able to help yourself and be the best YOU you can be! You CAN do this!

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  3. My heart goes out to you, Amanda. I have 2 family members who have battled depression for many years now. All I can say, is if you want to get off your meds, do it under a Dr.'s watchful eye and do it slowly. I wish you all the best for a better future.

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  4. You can't explain somebody who never experienced a depression how it feels like. To go on after one struggled and finally faced a depression (I don't want to say fight because there is always a reason why a depression developed no matter if it is something physical, an experience or just a wrong way to deal with things which are dear to one) is very hard, takes a long time and maybe one has to face facettes of oneself which are not to comfortable.

    But what comes after... strangely after having all the strenght to go through a depression, the after seems scary. I was told this is even typical textbook :) I think it is a mixture of a lot different things going on: One has to take the responsibility back again (this may sound strange because one is all the time responsible..) together with the fear of not being succesfull at having a "normal" life again. Being happy again. As if the normal life consists of being happy all the time ^^ But now it seems everything has to function in the future?

    So you are not alone with this struggle :)

    And please, take your time off! There are mainly two kinds of personalities when it comes to recover and relax, just regaining energy. There are people who need company and other people and the other ones need time to be alone with all the thoughts and feeling. If you have the desire to withdraw, do it. Just don't do it for a too long time. Especially after having this long struggle don't deny yourself some time to breath and just be. If it is not for too long this may give you the energy to go on.

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  5. It took me years to admit to myself that I needed medication for my depression. I've been on them for several years and have no intention of coming off of them. I think depression is a life long disease and would recommend being careful and doing under doctor's supervision. I wish you the best of luck. You are not alone in your daily struggle and it takes courage to write about it. Good luck.

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  6. Wow, this is a hard-hitting post but so powerfully written. I had no idea you were going through all of this. What's the outcome? I do hope you are managing to withdraw from them slowly, it's a long road, I believe. Thanks for linking up with a great post. x

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