Choosing To Live Rather Than Exist

Those of you that have been reading my blog for a while probably know about my struggles over the past few years, see here and here if you really want to know.

Its been a long, dark road to get where I am today, I’m not yet back to 100% but for the first time in a long time, I’m feeling good.

clouds through the trees

Late in November my Doc and I decided I was ready to reduce my meds, and having relied on them for years to keep me……me, a shadow of me, but me all the same, its a big and scary decision.

Thankfully, so far, the reduction is working well, I was even able to get through the anniversaries of my nana and dad’s deaths at Christmas without breaking down or withdrawing into a depression, so I’m quietly optimistic that I’ll be able to handle anything else thrown at me.

Now that my ‘mental health’ is taking a turn for the better its time to get the rest of me back.

Unsurprisingly, when thinking you’re worthless, unlovable and planning your own death its easy to forget to take care of yourself.

This is exactly what I did, but now I’m ready to bring my physical and mental health back together in one happy and healthy body.

I’ve got my goals.

And I’m not only going to meet them I’m going to beat them.

I’m already feeling great, I have energy and an oomph for life that I haven’t felt in years.

stones on the beach

I’m excited for a future where labels, sneered at by those ignorant to them, are no longer used to describe me, I’m more than a PND and PTSD sufferer, they will most likely always be apart of me, but I wont let them define who I am.

Rather than hide away at home I have a spring in my step and want to run outside with a hop, skip and a jump {I’ll save the hugs for those that want them, yeah, I want to spread the love}

There’s an amazing satisfaction in actually deciding to live, rather than existing, taking control.

Its been a tough road to get where I am today, I’m not naive enough to think it will all be plain sailing, but I’m ready for the bumps in the road.

I owe it to myself to live life as best as I can, but not only for me, but for those few who have stuck by me and not given up.

Here’s to living, rather than existing!

a day at the beach


  1. It's so great that your meds reduction is working! So glad that you are feeling good :)

  2. Depression is the pits. I've been suffering from it for about a year and finally feel that I'm making some headway. Well done for what you have achieved so far and good luck for your continuing journey.

  3. Well done you! Goodness me from the posts you linked, you more than deserve it. I've been going through exactly the same thing, although without the meds. (For that I would have actually needed to leave the house!)and I'm at the point where things are turning a corner and looking a bit better.

    Living under the dark 'depression' cloud is a very lonely experience and only those who have been through it themselves, will ever truly understand. I'm so pleased for you and wish you all the best for your continued happiness!

  4. Well done on the meds! I seem to be falling into floods of tears a lot again lately, so I think a change of meds may be on the cards for me. Thankfully I have some nutter on twitter that keeps making me laugh ;-) xx


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