What if… Walk With Me?

 

Depression, proper mind numbing depression where there is no black or white, no good or bad, just grey….. just nothing, I can’t just snap out of it.

I want to, I need to.

But I can’t.

Not yet.

I can see the world carry on around me, but I’m not a part of it, it will carry on regardless whether I laugh, cry or sit here silently watching it pass by.

Life goes on, but I’ve stopped living.

The anxiety bites, crawling its way in to thoughts that had once been easy.

I need to be in control.

But I can’t make any decisions.

Because, what if….

I sign that form and he doesn’t make it though surgery..

I don’t sign that form.. and he dies in my arms…

I leave the house and I crack open for everyone to see

I don’t turn on the nightlight when the kids go to bed….and they don’t wake up

When I need to make a decision and the panic sets in, I’m lost.

I can’t move

I’m paralysed, locked in a body which can do nothing but hope the dancing black spots before my eyes aren’t the last thing I see as I struggle…

to breath

To remind myself it may not happen..

but it might…

then I struggle to breath and I don’t know how much I can take..

which is another decision I can’t make…

because what if.

I can’t deal with it.

The stress of just existing,

sounds, sights and touch attack until I turn violent, an angry person raging at everything and anyone that dares intrude my space.

The only way to deal with it is to close myself off from the world.

Shut everyone out.

If they aren’t there they can’t make me stressed.

If I’m not stressed I don’t have to deal with it.

But soon no one is there…

I’m alone.

The stress seeps back, because I know I need to get out..

but I can’t..

because what if..

something happens, and the only way to deal with it is to scream, and shout and curse at the fucking injustice that I just can’t cope anymore and all I want to do is hit something or someone and ask..

“Why me? What did I do to deserve this…. just, what the fuck did I ever do to deserve this life"

PND ripped me apart when my life should be whole.

The greatest gift, a miracle bestowed on me, lives to cherish and nurture, to protect and comfort.

And I want nothing to do with it.

I call them an it, because I don’t feel.

I can’t feel.

On auto pilot I go through the motions…

but I miss the best parts.

Because I don’t know what to feel, other than the nothing growing inside where there should be…

something.

But I don’t know what, because I don’t feel.

Anything

PTSD has been the unexpected blow that takes me down and doesn’t want to let me go.

Reliving the horror of things best left forgotten.

A movie reel playing out every scene I want and need to forget.

I relieve every step, from home to train, to hospital, to ward, to him

see every pitying, ignorant and hopeful face

I smell the sharp tang of fear and cleanliness

hear the beep of machines, mumbles of hope and tears of anger and despair

I remember the smell of the coffee vendor

the calls of the Big Issue seller

the steps

I see this every time I try to sleep.

I don’t want to sleep.

Because what if next time I relive it, the ending changes.

So I avoid, everything.

I don’t want to see the hospitals where it could have happened

I don’t want to go on a train and remember all the journeys

I don’t want to hear his last breaths… again

I don’t want to hear the alarms scream, foot steps pounding as they run to save a life, even as another one goes, because what if next time its different.

Next time its mine.

So I withdraw.and become numb

It can’t hurt if I don’t love

If I don’t grow any more attached, I wont miss him so much when he’s gone, because what if.

The nightmares of what if can’t come if I don’t sleep.

So I don’t sleep.

And I realise I’m all alone.

And I wonder what is the point…

of everything.

If I’m not, then the nightmares stop, I don’t need to make decisions, I don’t need to worry about the what if.

I don’t need to face the things I can’t handle

I don’t need to look at the faces of those I’ve disappointed

The crushing loneliness at living a life you never wanted, hoped for or dreamed of would end.

Everyone could move on from this,

and for me everything would stop

silent

calm

nothing.

But what if..

something better is out there, and one day soon, I’ll find it.

And all this will be over.

So for now, I leave the stair banister alone, I don’t look for any rope, I just walk away.

And I hope, really fucking hope, that this isn’t all there is.

That one day, I will live again, and stop just being.

a day at the beach

It’s a lonely road, walk with me?

 

 

 

Comments

  1. I send you love and a hope that you know you are not alone really. I have stage 4 cancer and am afraid too, but I am finding that my love is bigger than my fear. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. ftortega@gmail.com and mylauginglion@blogspot.com

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  2. Reading this brought a tear to my eye. As hubby to Amanda I've lived through those desperate times in hospital when Ethan was just a few laboured breaths from not coming home with us, EVER... I've lived through Amanda's dark times when after Ethan was back at home with us but still not 100%. I was there when things got really bad and spent many a commute home wondering if the reason she wasn't answering her phone was just because Ethan and Ahren were keeping her busy or if, goodness forbid, something had 'happened'. I dreaded the thought of opening the front door to the cacophony of twin toddlers screaming at the top of their lungs because 'mummy wouldn't wake up'. A truly horrid time for all involved.

    But therapy, medication, time and understanding from most of those around her (and us) has worked well, IS working well, and hopefully will continue to work well.
    Depression is a long and arduous road, for all involved, but it can be overcome, and in this case WILL be overcome.

    There are still dark days to be had, as the post above will no doubt prove, but taking each day one at a time is the best way forward.

    I feel for anyone out there going through any form of depression (I've been there too!) and wish anyone that is suffering all the very best in their recovery.

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  3. Sending you lots of love and hugs. I don't really know what I can say to be helpful or encouranging, but I hope that you feel better for blogging about it. You can get through this and kick that depression to kingdom come. Am totally cheering you on. :)

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  5. Its an awful affliction that many people don't get. I suffer and live with someone who doesn't get it and makes me feel worse by telling me that there are people much worse off than me so i should just think on that and get over it. Thereafter starts the tears again! All I can say is take deep breaths and this too shall pass.
    Cath

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  6. What a brave post. I am one of the lucky ones to never have experienced depression so have nothing constructive to say except that I am sending you lots of positive thoughts, you will get through this and love life again with an obviously amazing hubby and 2 gorgeous little boys.

    Alison
    x

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  7. Bless you my lovely I didn't see this post when you first wrote it. I hadno idea you are going through this horrific nightmare. You always seem so upbeat in twitter - interesting the mask we can put on isn't it? I feel so sad for you and pray that this black cloud lifts from you whether it be through medication, time or therapy. Lots of love x x ps keep blogging these posts, I hope it helps x

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  8. Amanda, I have only started reading your blog tonight. The words above both from you and Spencer are among the saddest but most beautiful I have read in a long time. ....reduced me to tears! I look forward to reading more and hope your recovery continues.x

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  9. Oh my goodness, reading this again just shows how incredibly far you've come. Wow what a journey you've been on. And look at your boys now. Amazing x

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  10. A beautiful, honest, real, heartbreaking post. Bless you for sharing. Sending much love.xxx

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  11. A beautiful, honest, real, heartbreaking post. Bless you for sharing. Sending much love.xxx

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