Nothing like your kids turning 4 to make you realise a few things
1) You really are a parent
How on earth have I been a parent for 4 years? To twins?! It seems ridiculous to say it, but I still expect the hospital to call up and tell me they made a mistake.
Because surely I, the gal who still jumps up and down, clapping and screaming when she’s excited, says “awesome” too much and laughs at farts isn’t enough of an adult to be a parent.
Apparently I' am, without even having to take a test, well other than peeing on a stick, and I passed that one with flying colours!
But no, after 4 years there has been no phone call so I guess me and the kids are stuck with each other. We’ve actually done pretty well getting to this stage; me a total novice at parenting and the kids who didn’t bother to read any child behaviour books, but instead tore them up, burnt the remains and danced on the ashes of “How To Be An Angelic Child”.
2) Some kids toys will always be cool
My kids are at that annoying stage, childhood!
Seriously, they can’t make their damn minds up about anything, so to make sure someone was happy on their birthday I decided to get Lego, no point me being upset after all the hard work and effort I’ve put into the last 4 years!
Yesterday “they” got 4 Lego sets, after I used my expert Lego skills to put them together, they took about 4 minutes to destroy them.
Naturally I cried and told them to stop ruining my fun. Because let’s face it, we don’t actually buy them toys for their enjoyment, they are for ours. Either we want to play with the toys ourselves, or we hope they will distract the kids long enough for us to drink a coffee / eat some chocolate / take a power nap / make the beds or complete any one of those once simple tasks which since having children are now on an equal standing of climbing Everest.
3) Levels of shame can and will go lower than you thought possible
The shame you felt in the previous few years at the things your children said and did were nothing compared to the horrifying situations they will put you in now that they can walk, talk and when bothered make decisions without your input.
My children have shown my underwear to strangers, demanded I kiss their willies, told an old lady she smelt of wee, vomited over me in public, pressed their naked bodies against the windows to display all their glory to people walking past, pointed a toy gun out the letter box pretending to shoot people… but nothing compares to…
Having your child tell the elderly couple who have just knocked at the door that “mummy is a dirty girl”.
This wouldn’t have been so bad if not for the fact they were representatives of the local church, I expect a scarlet cross or something painted on the front door any day now.
Perhaps the most important thing I have learnt with my kids turning 4 is that, despite no training, I’m an awesome parent.
I made these two teeny tiny babies, then somehow, through instinct, luck and a lot of “let’s just see what happens” have got them on the path to becoming amazingly kind, inquisitive, considerate, independent, funny, loyal and loveable individuals.
Now, if you excuse me, I have to try convincing Ahren that he can’t go cycling just wearing his helmet!