Some bright spark has decided my kids need to start school in September, this person has obviously never met my kids, and is woefully unprepared for the “uniqueness” that is Ahren and Ethan. Not that my kids are really any different to anyone else's, but together, they have their own unique blend of crazy.
Makes me one proud mama
The responsible part of me is fully aware there are one or two things we need to work on before I unleash my little
terrors darlings in to the education system.
1) Clothing is not always optional
It was a sad day when I told my boys that once school starts Naked Days will have to be restricted to the weekends. They have responded by taking advantage of every opportunity to strip down; doing a little willy dance and shoving their naked bums against the windows to share their nakedness with everyone that is unfortunate to pass our house.
Calls of “LOOK! We’re naked” are not uncommon, nor are the disappointed glances of passer-by's who upon hearing the high pitched shriek about being naked are hoping for something other than a Marmite and paint smeared child making sucky faces on the window.
2) Independent bum wiping & no crossing the streams
They were not impressed at being told to wipe their own bums. Seems the sliding down stairs and scootching across the bathmat are their preferred methods of cleaning arse. They both shed a little tear when I informed them their teachers would not appreciate them bending over, thrusting a naked bum in their face with a stern “Clean my bum” demand.
There is also the manly etiquette of peeing. No sure anyone else will enjoy one of my boys standing on the toilet seat whilst they are standing there trying to pee.
I’ve also had to give them “The Talk”, the about not pushing someone off the toilet seat just because “you really really need to go”, and that it’s rude to push someone down the loo then flush it whilst they are stuck (even if it was ridiculously funny).
3) Sharing does not mean licking
Not sure where they got this from but they have the weird idea that if sharing food you need to lick it before handing it over, pretty sure they mean to discourage the other one from eating it, but as they both hide a stash of Cheerio's amongst the dust bunnies under the sofa for “rainy days” they see nothing wrong in adding a little lick to a sweetie / crisps / sandwich / fruit.
4) Not everyone wants your special brand of affection
This is a hard one for my lovelies to get their little Nutella and Marmite loving heads around; not everyone wants to be licked, kissed, hugged, poked on the “buttons” or grabbed in the willy department.
Whilst to us adults it has all the makings of the Friday nights we enjoyed before we became parents, to unsuspecting teachers and pupils it screams law suits and inappropriateness.
5) Walls are not for drawing on
I can count the number of walls in our house that do not have crayon / marker / pencil scribbles on, it is 4! I will worship at the feet of whom ever persuades my kids that drawing and writing should be restricted to paper and not the walls.
I’m ordering popcorn and wine to watch this battle, it will be a good un’!
6) Not everyone wants to kiss boo boos, especially “those” boo boos
My kids fall over a lot, and rival professional football players in their dramatization of injuries, these injuries can apparently only be cured by kisses.
They are not unafraid to limp over to a person clutching their injured finger (told you they were dramatic), face scrunched up in fake agony, thrust the injured finger practically up your nose and demand a kiss.
But, sadly, you just can’t walk up to anyone and request they kiss your boo boo, another harsh lesson my boys are learning.
7) Because…… is never an answer
The boys are developing a scary talent for answering back, at the moment
“Because I did”
“Because I can”
“Because I wanted too”,
are all responses when being questioned on any naughty shenanigans they are implicated in, I fear these are not going to hold up under the questioning glare of a primary school teacher. You might think it would be easier to teach my boys to be well behaved all the time, but their mama wasn’t in the “…worst behaved class I’ve ever taught…” Mr Raw St. Catherine’s, for 3 years running for nothing!
I’m sure there are perhaps one or two other things I need t teach them before school starts in September, but it’s a good start!