PTSD ~ Facing My Triggers At Britmums Live

I was diagnosed with PTSD  a few years ago after months of thinking I was going out of my mind bat shit crazy.

depression and me

A big part in dealing with my PTSD was recognising my triggers, I know most of them, naively avoiding them at all costs, and when I have to face them, popping pills to ward off the worst of them.

This weekend I went to Britmums Live, knowing I was going to face most of my triggers.

Maybe it was a stupid decision, throwing myself into such a situation, but after 4 years I had do ‘something’.

These are some of my triggers, which I knew I’d be facing.

London

Train journeys

Strangers

Large crowds

Being alone

New places

Feeling invisible

Decision making

A pretty random bunch, but all individually, let alone collectively, have the ability to reduce me into a weeping, bumbling, paralysed, struggling to breathe excuse for a human being.

Friday almost broke me, it did to an extent.

Like a really uncool person meeting someone ridiculously cool for the first time, I made a tit of myself when I met Cas for the the first time.

I saw her friendly gorgeous face and BOOM, burst into tears.

Cas is one of those people who cares, she has her own shit to deal with {which she does with grace} but always has time for others, so I saw her and thought “She’s a safe, friendly person I can breakdown on and she won’t mock, laugh, panic or judge”, so I broke.

And I needed to, if I had tried to keep it bottled it would have been worse.

And she was totally cool with it.

Sometimes you need to do the things that scare you most, knowing it could all backfire and set you back.

And that’s what this weekend was about for me.

I faced my fears.

I broke.

But it didn’t set me back, if anything, it made me realise just how far I’ve come.

Comments

  1. What a brave thing to do, I really admire you for having the courage! You're amazing.

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  2. You are totally awesome for facing your triggers. I hope you're bubbling over with pride that you did it!

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  3. well done for facing a combination or fears!

    I don't think you broke, I think you excelled x

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  4. I am glad you had someone supportive with you and well done for moving forwards.
    Are you coming again next year?

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  5. Mandy, you did so so SO fucking well, own it and feel it and realise how far you've come. It was a total pleasure to FINALLY meet you after lurking on your blog for so long like a total weirdo. I am SO happy you came back! Huge love in yo face xxxx

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  6. You did something amazing this weekend. I broke too. Like you I kept going. So proud if you, your smile by the end of BML was wonderful xxx

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  7. Think you are amazing for facing all of this and coming through it. Sending congratulatory chocolate and hugs x

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  8. Well done you. Being in that enormous crowd was TOUGH and you definitely weren't the only one in tears on the Friday. I guess the question now is, would you do it again?

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  9. Well done...you are braver than me! I tend to chicken out of things at the last minute!

    Kathy from Tasmania

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  10. Great post - thank you for sharing your fears - I'm sure you've helped a lot of other bloggers - especially those that couldn't quite make it this year because of their own personal situation x

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  11. Massive congratulations on facing some really big things this weekend and surviving :) that takes a lot of guts. One of my favourite books of all time is "The Brothers Lionheart" and the thing I took from that book the most is that courage is not the absence of fear, but doing thing in spite of it! That means you have huge amounts of courage and I hope going to BritMums Live and facing all those triggers really helped give you a massive boost!

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  12. What a huge step, you must be so proud of yourself and I am so sad and sorry I didn't meet you! xx

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  13. Oh this is awesome!! You should be really proud and it's awesome that you had Cas to support you -she's pretty much a total dude!! Hope you gained alot and had a fab time xxx

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