Struggling With Words ~ PTSD & Depression

I like to talk.

I can talk random nonsense, debate any topic, play devils advocate, offer advice and listen when no words are needed.

But I can’t talk about myself.

The words swirling round the jumbled up mess that makes me, me, just wont come out in any articulate way.

depression and me

Which is difficult as my doc has referred me for CBT again, apparently that is the way forward.

But I can’t talk about the things they want to hear.

If I could walk in to the room, scream, throw a few things, break something and feel the calm satisfaction wash over me of being in control of something, then it would help.

But I don’t think that will go down well.

I don’t want to sit down and calmly map out my thought process, I know how my mind is/isn’t working.

What I need is to vent and rage, to some how get all the anger, frustration, fear and self loathing I have out.

But I can’t do that in the confines of a little room with someone trying to fit me on to an A4 sheet of paper.

I don’t want to talk.

My thoughts aren’t in any semblance of order, I can only ramble, which won’t make sense, it wont fit the nicely drawn spider graphs.

But now I’m stuck.

Where do I go from here?

I’ve got my drugs, they help.

I don’t want / can’t do CBT.

But I need something.

Something to help break down the walls and barriers which stop me from living.

I’m slowly trying to beat down my fears, I think I’m doing good.

But I need more.

I’m just not sure what is left to turn to.

Where do I go from here?

4 comments :

  1. So why can't you smash and break and vent and rage?

    I do, my depression's nowhere near as bad as it used to be since I bought a punchbag - Don't get me wrong, it took a bucketload of time for me to figure out what it was that was taking control away from me, but once that was done and I'd done what little I could to get past it then regular 'Imagining that my punchbag is people and smashing the buggery out of it' sessions keep the Black Dog away.

    Won't patronise you with the 'Hang on in there' and 'it'll get worse before it gets better' crap, because I don't think it'll help.

    What helped me was believing that it's OK for me to do things that are just for my benefit, and if people didn't like it I could turn around and say 'Sorry, I had to do that - I'm mental you see.'

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    Replies
    1. Adds punch bag to the shopping list.

      I'm trying to keep that side of me away from the kids, and at the moment I don't seem able to get away from them.

      I do need to start being a bit selfish and thinking more of what I need to do for myself rather than constantly worrying about everyone else.

      Delete
  2. Have you thought of taking some kind of ass-kicking class, like kick-boxing, boxing, self-defence, or martial arts of some kind? Means you get to be violent and get endorphin-boosting exercise at the same time :)

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  3. Hi, I've only just found your blog and I'm afraid I don't have any great advise for you but I didn't ant to just read and run. Wishing you all the best, Mich x

    ReplyDelete

Thank's for taking the time to read and comment, I appreciate each one!

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