My heart is heavy
As a mama, my job is to protect my children, keep them from harm and do whatever I can to make sure everyday is a happy day, free from fear, tears and upset.
And I’ve failed
I nurtured them for almost nine months, got them through those early months when they were so helpless, helped them when they tottered on their feet for the first time.
For so many occasions I was there, I swooped in to provide cuddles, apply bandages when necessary and scare away the monsters who hid under the bed.
And from the moment I sent them out in to the big wide world I’ve had to reply on others to keep them safe.
I entrusted my precious little boys in to the care of others.
And in doing so I’ve let them down.
As I help them get dressed for school, wiping their tears away, I have to duck my head so they don’t see my own.
I tell them how much fun they will have, and promise a treat or extra cuddles when I pick them up from school.
I pull their little hands from mine and give them a gentle push towards their classroom.
I give them a wobbly smile as they look back, trying to keep my own tears at bay.
I turn and walk away.
Sometimes listening to one or both of them screaming for me to come back, knowing I have left behind my precious children, in a place where there are children who for whatever reason want to hurt them.
And it feels so many different shades of wrong.
The smiling, eager boys, who actually cried when the school day was over are now the shy, crying boys who are begging and pleading not to go to school.
I’m not sure how many more times I can be strong enough to force my children into a situation which scares them, this isn’t something I expected to deal with, and it’s not something I ever wanted my children to go through.
The bullies have been reported, the parents spoken to and punishments doled out. But still it continues, I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do now.
I just want my happy, unafraid, little boys back.