Finding Myself ~ Coming off antidepressants

I feel like change is gonna come

I’m feeling free.

For the first time in years I don’t feel like I have to rely on pills to settle my moods and keep me from descending in to misery.

I’m so looking forward to the day I pop my last pill.

All good things are wild and free

But I’m scared as hell too.

For years I’ve been balanced by little white pills.  They’ve stopped me going to far in either direction, neither too up nor too down.

I’ve relied on them for so long to keep me sane, I’m not sure how to do it by myself.

They’ve become my crutch, my dependency on them probably isn’t healthy.  But they’ve been there.  When times were tough, and oh my, were times tough, it felt as though popping those pills was the only thing that got me through, I know they weren’t, but now faced with no longer having them, I’m scared to be without them.

I don’t know who I am without them.

What if the girl I was before the shit hit the fan has really ceased to exist?

I miss her, she was crazy, funny and weird.  She was kind and made others laugh.  She fought for and stood up for people, not backing down no matter who stood in her way.  The endless energy she had, the excitement that would show itself in a scream or jumping up and down.  The peace she would find the simplest of things.  I loved her and miss her.

She’s been cloaked in a grey shadow for too many years, but the fear of not finding her once the grey clears is immense.

There’s a lot about me know that I hate, I feel weak, both mentally and physically.  A stronger person would have dealt with this and moved on, instead I crumpled.  I’ve lost years, some of the best years with my children and I hate myself for that.

I’m a jumbled mess of emotions, which is natural I guess, coming off these drugs was bound to bring up lots of mixed feelings.

I just hope at the end of it I’m still me.

And that I can learn to like, if not love me again.

4 comments :

  1. I worried myself sick about coming off them but glad I did.

    I've experienced emotions I forgot I was capable of and even the lows are strangely satisfying although that might just be the crazy still in me.

    And for what it's worth the weird and (arguably) funny person I was before was still there; it was like it'd just been hibernating!?

    I think I'm a better person for going on them and coming off at the other end, pretty sure you will be too.

    Plus you're weird and funny now so you've set the bar pretty high for the old you!!!

    Good luck, I reckon you'll be pleasantly surprised x

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  2. Good Luck Amanda! Actually, for the first time ever I've had to seek out the help of antidepressants. Things just got to be too much :( I am worried about never being able to get off them. Will be thinking of you, you're so aware with how you're feeling, I think you'll do great! Thinking of you!

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  3. I'd be terrified wif I had to give up my little tan pills. I was so unhappy for so long and now I've got a balance. They are the lowest dose that is made. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully while your trying to stop you don't have headaches. Good luck!

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  4. Amanda I know that I don't really know you in real life, you strike me as all of those things you mentioned. I'm sure that the original 'you' has not gone altogether, just been covered by a dense fog for a while. I can imagine you would be terrified. I don't think that you're reaction is unnatural, I've heard of many people saying the same. Sounds to me like you're ready. Look how far you've come! Your amazing :) x

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