I feel like change is gonna come
I’m feeling free.
For the first time in years I don’t feel like I have to rely on pills to settle my moods and keep me from descending in to misery.
I’m so looking forward to the day I pop my last pill.
But I’m scared as hell too.
For years I’ve been balanced by little white pills. They’ve stopped me going to far in either direction, neither too up nor too down.
I’ve relied on them for so long to keep me sane, I’m not sure how to do it by myself.
They’ve become my crutch, my dependency on them probably isn’t healthy. But they’ve been there. When times were tough, and oh my, were times tough, it felt as though popping those pills was the only thing that got me through, I know they weren’t, but now faced with no longer having them, I’m scared to be without them.
I don’t know who I am without them.
What if the girl I was before the shit hit the fan has really ceased to exist?
I miss her, she was crazy, funny and weird. She was kind and made others laugh. She fought for and stood up for people, not backing down no matter who stood in her way. The endless energy she had, the excitement that would show itself in a scream or jumping up and down. The peace she would find the simplest of things. I loved her and miss her.
She’s been cloaked in a grey shadow for too many years, but the fear of not finding her once the grey clears is immense.
There’s a lot about me know that I hate, I feel weak, both mentally and physically. A stronger person would have dealt with this and moved on, instead I crumpled. I’ve lost years, some of the best years with my children and I hate myself for that.
I’m a jumbled mess of emotions, which is natural I guess, coming off these drugs was bound to bring up lots of mixed feelings.
I just hope at the end of it I’m still me.
And that I can learn to like, if not love me again.