Parental Fears ~ Do They Ever End?

If any of us truly realised just how consistently terrifying being a parent is, would we have done it?

Even from before I was actually pregnant, I was terrified.

What if we couldn’t have a baby, what were our options, were we old enough, young enough, had I had enough sleep… WHERE WOULD WE KEEP A BABY?

Once I was knocked up, the fears just kept piling on. The sigh of relief at reaching 12 weeks was drowned out by the cold wave of fear at hearing the words “…twins…high risk….monochorionic….fetal growth restriction…TTTS….premature labour….”.

It was literately 7 months of constant fear.

4-1

From the first scan, the fears just kept mounting. Were we tempting fate buying a buggy, cots and every other item under the roof at Mothercare before the babies arrived? Had I accidentally walked under a ladder whilst stepping on a crack, or drunk one too many coffees?

From the sublime to the ridiculous, those fears just kept coming.

As a new parent I was terrified I’d drop one of the babies, leave the buggy on the train or shove a bottle of milk in the wrong end; there was so much I didn’t know and never expected!

Again, a terrifying period.

New born twins

Over the past five years we’ve experienced some of the most terrifying moments parents can ever have, watching your baby stop breathing and turn blue is a nightmare I know I wont recover from, no matter how energetic and lively he his today.

Ethan in picu

Signing consent forms for life saving surgery for a 3 month old, knowing they might not make it off the table is a signature no parent ever wants to sign, but we did, so many times.

Thankfully the fears have lessened somewhat in severity, they are no less worrisome, but thankfully less of a life or death situation.

Now, as they make their way through the minefield that is school, I find myself consumed with a new set of fears and worries.

Are they happy, do they have friends, is anyone mean to them, are they coping and if not, do they feel as though they can talk to their daddy and I?

twins

It seems once one set of fears and worries are settled, another come along and that longed for moment of peace is further away than ever.

I think I’ve accepted it will always be this way.

The unwritten small print of parenting seems to be that it is and always will be terrifying.

I can almost predict the fears that will fill me when my boys are teetering on the adventures that will await them…will they be happy…will they find love and be loved…will they be safe…what kind of world will they live in?

There’s just so many, and as they get older, I will have less and less control over soothing those fears.

As they become independent my role will shift to the side-lines as I become more of a spectator than participant in their lives.

And perhaps that is my greatest fear of all, the day they no longer need to rely on mummy.

When a snuggle cuddle wont banish the worries that keep them awake at night, or a kiss no longer soothes the sting of a cut, when I can no long peek in their room and see them deep in slumber, safe and well.

sleeping like a baby

Before I start blubbering in a heap of tears, clutching their teddies and still warm pjs I’ll wrap this up; parenting is the most terrifying experience I’ve ever encountered, but it’s also the most rewarding and exciting privilege I’ve ever had.

And whilst I’m in no rush for my boys to grow up, I know one day they’ll pack up their crap, walk out the front door to start living their lives, and I’ll be a weeping, yet proud mama who knows her boys can face any challenge head on, whether or not I’m holding their hand.

Comments

  1. Oh my goodness! Honey, you went through so much. You have extremely cute little ones though. I don't have any kiddo's but i'd imagine i'd be freaking out too. I hope you guys are having a great Wednesday!

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  2. This is such a beautiful post. You and your boys are so lucky to have each other x

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  3. I don't think this worry ever stops... Even when they are like 30 and have their own kids :)

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  4. My grandmother was 90 when she said to me 'I still worry about your Dad. You never stop worrying.'

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  5. Amazing post with some fantastic, adorable pictures
    So very true, so much pride, happiness, fear and guilt and every other emotion under the sun!

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  6. Such a heart touching story and what gorgeous sons you have! You have been through so much in five short years and unfortunately you are right the fears and worries never end. My oldest is 25 with a child of his own and my youngest is 13 and I worry about them the same as I did, like you, when I first found out I was knocked up! If we didn't have fears for our children or worry about them what kind of Mother would we be?

    Lysa @ Welcome to My Circus
    http://welcome-to-my-circus-laugh-and-learn.blogspot.com/

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  7. I don't think the fears ever end. Your boys are so cute. I hope they don't give you anymore health scares! That sounded frightening! #shinebloghop

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  8. I absolutely agree that the whole thing from conception to birth to toddler is terrifying. Even now, my son is almost three, I am worried that he's not eating enough, he's too nice, he enjoys tv too much. Luckily we have not encountered anything medical and I can't imagine how hard that must have been. I can't even imagine. Your boys are beautiful! Stopping in from the SHINE Blog Hop.

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  9. Oh my gosh you have gone through a lot! I hope there are no more health scares like the ones you had! So very scary.

    My oldest is 13 and my youngest is 1. I still worry all of the time, the worries just change.

    Your boys are so very cute :)

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  10. Parenting is indeed, terrifying. I hear you on that. You've had so pretty scary things happy too.

    You're right though... the rewards far outweigh the fears. It is a joyful experience too.

    Hugs to you mama. I heard and felt your heart here.

    Thanks for sharing and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop.

    Wishing you a lovely weekend.
    xoxo

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  11. What a gorgeously written post, had me in tears. You sound like a beautiful family and you're very lucky to have one another. xxx

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  12. This made me cry chick, you are right we never stop worrying nor will we ever, I don't want my boys to ever leave! Wail! Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts

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  13. Never been here before and your kids are LUSH! Really great, inspiring post, sounds like you're doing an awesome job to me! #brilliantblogposts

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  14. This made me tear up.... I'm due in early November and I can definitely relate to the fears of premature labor, gestational diabetes, emergency c section, not being able to handle a crying baby, not getting enough sleep..... It feels like everything is snowballing and I won't be able to catch up... But I'm longing to cuddle my little guy and see him for the first time. True, I am worried and fearsome but I am excited at the same time.

    -Lara @ Methodical Living
    http://methodicalliving.blogspot.com

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  15. I think you summed up how all of us Mom's feel!

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