Beating Depression

I remember clearly the mixed emotions I felt as I walked out the GP surgery clutching my first ever prescription for anti depressants.

I felt confused, disappointed, guilty, angry, optimistic, fear, despair, dread, self loathing and a whole heap of shame.

I was without a doubt totally unprepared for the overwhelming emotions. They have at times, over the past 5 years, consumed me to such a degree I didn’t think I’d ever find a way back to “normal”.

But after five years of pretty horrendous lows, things started to look up.

It has been an achingly painfully, slow process full of backward steps, with many moments where I seriously doubted my ability to carry on existing.

It would have been all too easy to carry on popping my pills daily, getting comfortable with my mental state being regulated by antidepressants.

But I was longing to get “me” back.

Without wanting to sound conceited, I think the drug free, non depressed me is pretty darn awesome.

And I’ve missed her.

I’ve been feeling stronger, happier and overall more content the past few months.

Yet I was still scared as hell when I discussed the possibility of reducing my antidepressants.

I was scared of falling back in to despairing lows, anxiety attacks, violent bouts of anger and whole host of other things. But the thing I was most scared of was me.

What if I no longer liked me, the drug free {or reduced drug} me?

What if no one else liked me?

Just how much of my current personality was due to the drugs and their effect upon my moods?

Despite my fears, and horrendously painful withdrawal symptoms, my reduction in antidepressants has been going well.

I’m happy.

I’m enjoying life, being a mama, having a laugh and giggle with hubs, pootling about just doing stuff and enjoying it.

So, this rather wordy and somewhat convoluted post is a yay me post.

It’s not often I’ve been proud of myself over the past five years, ashamed is more apt, but fuck it, I’m freakin’ proud of myself! I could have & almost did end it all. Obviously I didn’t and I’m so thankful I had the courage to keep going.

It hasn’t been easy. Harder than you can imagine but I’m slowly overcoming my depression and life is pretty wonderful.

So yay me, I’m freakin’ awesome!

Today is a good day to be happy

3 Children and It

Comments

  1. Good for bloody you! And you should be apologising one little bit. This post is neither conceited nor convoluted. It's honest, open and encouraging for anyone else who might be facing a similar challenge. Long may your happiness continue! #BrilliantBlogPosts

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  2. A huge achievement and there is no shame in a little help, you would question a nurofen for a headache after all so why should depression be different? Enjoy having "you" back. Popping by from Loud and Proud

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  3. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to read this post. I so pleased for you and I think it will also encourage others that there really can be light at the end of that horribly, dark tunnel. Well done Amanda, you are so right to be proud! x x

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  4. That is absolutely brilliant to read. You've taken such a big step and you have every right to be proud. Plus, as Suzanne says, your positive attitude can inspire and encourage others.

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  5. This is fantastic, depression can be such a lonely place. You are doing an amazing job, keep being as positive as possible. The only way is up x x x x

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  6. You deserve (and have my) respect for being brave enough to write such an honest post and my admiration for getting the help you needed and getting through the darkest days to be able to start seeing the sunshine in life again.
    Today (and everyday) is a good day to love and value yourself.
    Stay strong, happy & healthy you brave, courageous & funny lady x

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  8. This is definitely a yay you moment and you deserve to be hugely proud of yourself! I hope the progress and happiness continues on the up! Well done for writing it all down! Xx

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  9. Well done huni. I am so glad that you are happy. I remember feeling so guilty when I was diagnosed with PND, how could I feel depressed when I had everything I ever wanted, I had no right. I think if I am honest I still struggle with that one, even though I no it has nothing to do with that. I am quite low at the moment and your post has given me something to work towards xx #BrillBlogPosts

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  10. It's important to have these conversations out in the open and I applaud you for sharing your emotions and very personal fears, and for coming through it all a stronger person. Yay you!

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  11. I love this post. Yay for being brave enough to write it, strong enough to seek help and wise enough to know that you are worth it. And yes, yay for you! x x x

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