Oh depression, what will I do without you?
Seriously, it’s become such a part of me, I’m not sure who I am without depression / depressed being used to describe me.
Whilst I know I’m getting better, part of me is scared as to what the future holds.
One day I wont need my antidepressants nor the anti anxiety meds and I’m terrified of who I am once I no longer pop those pills.
I’ve been taking them daily for over 5 years, I know it’s time to let them go. I’m in a better place, I’m happy.
But they’ve been there, propping me up, helping to prevent the all consuming darkness take over too often and stem the negative, suicidal thoughts of worthlessness.
These meds, they’ve essentially saved my life.
A future without them is a scary thought.
I never thought about reaching this stage in depression, honestly, I never thought I’d be at the point where I wouldn’t need medication.
To say I’m unprepared is an understatement.
The fear of slipping backwards is immense and terrifying.
I have no idea if I’m strong enough to survive intact another battle with depression and PTSD. I fear I’m not.
So now I’m at a crossroads, I either keep on taking the drugs, letting the fear of failure stop anymore progress or I take the risk and lower my dosage until I’m no longer taking them and see what happens.
It sounds like an easy decision, but in reality it is far from it.
I’m not sure which road is the least terrifying.