When Recovery Scares Me
There was a time when the only thing I wanted was to be free from depression, anxiety and the ‘delights’ of PTSD.
Now, as I teeter on the brink of recovery I want to run back towards the mind numbing nothing of depression.
There’s a perverse sense of safety in just not caring.
As my meds are reduced to nothing I’m now having to actually experience and process the emotional ups and downs of life, and after almost 6 years of indifference it’s a struggle.
It’s proving difficult to process ‘normal’ mood swings; always being afraid that a bad mood could be the beginning of another spiral downwards and wondering if a good mood will last or ever be repeated.
It’s hard to actually just enjoy life whilst it happens for fear of what comes next.
Recovery should be a joyous occasion, and in a sense it is, but it’s terrifying at the same time. I’m scared the good times wont last, I’d almost rather not have them only to lose them again.
But I don’t know what comes next, maybe I’m worrying over nothing or maybe I’m not as ready to be drug free as I thought.
For those of you that have been in this position, how did you cope with this stage in your recovery?