When Recovery Scares Me

There was a time when the only thing I wanted was to be free from depression, anxiety and the ‘delights’ of PTSD.

Now, as I teeter on the brink of recovery I want to run back towards the mind numbing nothing of depression.

There’s a perverse sense of safety in just not caring.

depression and me_

As my meds are reduced to nothing I’m now having to actually experience and process the emotional ups and downs of life, and after almost 6 years of indifference it’s a struggle.

It’s proving difficult to process ‘normal’ mood swings; always being afraid that a bad mood could be the beginning of another spiral downwards and wondering if a good mood will last or ever be repeated.

It’s hard to actually just enjoy life whilst it happens for fear of what comes next.

Recovery should be a joyous occasion, and in a sense it is, but it’s terrifying at the same time. I’m scared the good times wont last, I’d almost rather not have them only to lose them again.

But I don’t know what comes next, maybe I’m worrying over nothing or maybe I’m not as ready to be drug free as I thought.

For those of you that have been in this position, how did you cope with this stage in your recovery?


  1. Izzie Anderton8 April 2015 at 18:43

    I have no idea where you go from here but I hope that you're still seeing your GP regularly to monitor the situation. I wish you all the best with being medication free, it won't be easy but then most things in life aren't easy to achieve. Good luck x


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