I remember as a child listening to my parents and more often than not wondering what the hell they were on about.
I would inevitably do something and be caught out which would result in some choice words from ma and pa, none of which ever really made sense, but at the time scared me enough to if not behave, at least work harder on not getting caught.
Now that I’m a mama I’ve found myself and listened to hubster muttering the same ol’ words at our children. I still have no clue what we’re really on about, but I feel like I’m carrying on some unwritten folklore of parenting wisdom by imparting these words up on my little darlings.
Perhaps you know what I mean, I hope so, the children are starting to tire of my “because mama said so” and are demanding more answers.
1. “I’ll bloody swing for you”
I said this last week and actually stopped and asked myself what exactly swinging for my children meant. My smutty and juvenile mind went straight to parent only swingers parties, which I’m almost positive is not the answer.
2. “If you don’t stop crying I’ll give you something to cry about”
Hubs says this to the boys when they’re being silly and crying over nothing, but we all know that you never stop crying when someone threatens you, especially when no one knows what the “something” is.
I actually remember my dad saying this to me and it would always result in huge hiccup inducing sobs where I stuttered and professed I couldn’t stop crying if he was going to make me cry more. Urgh!
3. “What part of ‘no’ don’t you understand?”
My children aren’t stupid, so why do I ask this stupid question? They understand ‘no’ perfectly well, they just hope to catch me at weak coffee deprived moment and get their own way. Again.
4. “How many times do I have to tell you?”
You’d think I’d learnt not to say this after Ethan responded with “A few more times”, but no, I insist on sharing this parenting staple at least once a day.
5. “I’m not asking, I’m telling”
What I’m really doing is begging and pleading. Hoping that they will take pity on their mama and just for once do as I bloody well say.
6. “Back in my day…”
Eh! It’s still my day, I’m in my prime!
I have no idea why I utter these words, they just make me feel old and long for cassette tapes, old skool ring pulls and knee high socks which we rolled down to our ankles like a donut, because we were that cool.
7. “If I have to tell/ask you one more time…”
Truth is I have no idea what I’ll do if I ever actually reach that final time of asking/telling, not sure who is most interested in finding out, me or the kids.
8. “Do your legs not work?”
Of course they bloody well work, you just came stomping down the stairs, why oh why do I insist on asking questions for which there are only smartass answers?
9. “If your friends jumped off a cliff would you follow them?”
Why do I even waste time with this one, my kids would be leading the charge over the edge.
10. “I hope you have triplets”
Yep, I said this to my twin fart nuggets, then realised I’d be grammie to triplets, whoa and no.
There are so many other utterings which I have muttered and yelled since becoming a mother, most of which make no sense and some intrigue me as much as they do the children, perhaps one day we’ll figure out what I’m actually on about.