What You Don’t See

Depression can be so hard to understand if you haven’t experienced it first hand. Even then, each of us suffers in different ways, no two peoples depression is exactly the same.

From the outside looking in, I doubt many would pick up on my depression, I hide it well, too well if truth be told, here is what you don’t see…

The mornings I have to talk myself, whilst taking an anxiety tablet, in to getting out of bed and coping with the hours until I can crawl back under the duvet

The fear of opening the front door and stepping out from the safety my home

The nights I can’t sleep from overthinking everything and wondering if I serve any purpose

The finger twisting and nail picking as I walk around town, convinced everyone knows I’m about to lose it

The rapid breaths and clammy skin that preclude an anxiety attack caused either by something unexpected happening or worse nothing at all

The downward spiral of thoughts that are so incredibly hard to get away from

The loss of friends and family who can’t or wont understand that I can’t help being this way

The self loathing I feel every time I think how much of their childhood I’ve missed

The hidden house phone, because I’m too scared to talk to people for fear they have bad news

The excitement I feel when I think I can go out, perhaps even talk to somebody and then clam up, feeling pathetic and worthless

The exhaustion at pretending to be happy, so that others aren’t brought down

The overwhelming panic at making a simple decision

How pathetic I feel when I realise how lonely I am, yet can’t make the first step to meeting new people

How I feel life is slipping by and I’m wasting away

depression and me

Just because you can’t see these things, it doesn’t make them any less real or painful for me or anyone else who lives with depression.