Drug free

Relying on any drug is terrifying.

Will you become dependant on them, will they even work, will you be able to get your next fix, what kind of side effects will there be and will you ever be able to come off them?

These were all thoughts and concerns which plagued me throughout my dependency on antidepressants and antianxiety medications. I knew I needed them, I knew they were helping, but from the first tablet I took I wanted to come off them.

There was and is no shame in needing medication to balance yourself out.

Yet, even knowing this, I still felt like an abject failure as both a person and a mother.

Being able to function, even at a basic level was only made possible by the strict daily regimen of pill popping, so despite my own messed up view on medication, I will forever be thankful that these tiny pills enabled me to function enough that I was able to see that life was worth living.

a lone leaf

It took months of horrendous lows and numerous drug changes to find the one which worked for me. It was no fun for anyone whilst I tried to find the drugs which would eventually help balance me out, it was imperative that I found the one that worked.

Now, years later, it’s 2 weeks and 2 days since I took my last antidepressant.

It’s a strange feeling. Knowing that my mood now is my real mood, my emotions are m. There is no barrier between me, the darkness and the rest of the world. What you see is what you get.

I wont lie and say its all peaches and cream, you don’t come off drugs after 7 years and not expect to experience some kind of turbulent period.

The good news is, I haven’t flipped, my anger hasn’t caused me to launch a chair across the room, I’ve not shouted at the kids and Spencer is very much still with me.

But there is a slight difference in me, I can feel things more on an emotional level. Perhaps I’m just more aware of my moods as I know they are true and not suppressed at all.

For now, it’s going well.

I’m happy, truly happy for the first time in years, which is both a sad and wonderful thing to be able to say.

I realise there will be ups and downs as life carries on, there may come a time when I need the security that only antidepressants can provide, but for now I’m finally at peace.